


something to hold on to

by jsmith2424



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ahch-To: a place for lovers, F/M, Grey Jedi, My First Fanfic, Post-Canon, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, This is Gabby's fault, World Between Worlds, a lot of intense but ultimately g-rated touching, it's not relevant to this story but yes Finn and Poe are a couple, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:27:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22537003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jsmith2424/pseuds/jsmith2424
Summary: She hadn’t felt him go. But neither can she feel their bond. It’s like she has a phantom limb, a part of her that is both there and not there. A space so empty it throbs.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	something to hold on to

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Birthday, Gabby! Only my love for you and Star Wars could ever make me do this.

She took his sweater.

She had grabbed it without thinking as she ran from the crumbling temple, racing to get to the X-wing before everything collapsed. Now, Rey sits, back against the wall, in her quarters on Ajan Kloss and stares at it in her lap, fingers toying with the frayed edges of the saber wound she had inflicted what felt like a lifetime ago.

She hadn’t felt him go. But neither can she feel their bond. It’s like she has a phantom limb, a part of her that is both there and not there. A space so empty it _throbs._

She lifts it to her nose, inhaling the smell of ash and earth and him. It’s anchoring. Settles her in a way she had not felt since returning from Exegol a week ago. And as she curls onto her side, black material clutched to her chest and begins to drift to sleep, she can’t help but think _that has to mean something._

Her dream begins innocuously enough, one she has had many times since she was a child. She is walking across the endless deserts of Jakku, heat bearing down against her back, when she comes across a single yellow flower, inexplicably bursting through the sand.

_“You don’t belong here,”_ she says aloud, reaching down to dust its delicate petals clean.

Suddenly she is assaulted with a barrage of flashing images. She sees dark water. Hands against a frosted mirror. Stone cracking.

_Rey._

She hears a whisper, echoing around her.

_Rey._

She feels the warmth of a hand pressed against her cheek before her eyes burst open.

“Ben.”

**__________________________________________**

The command center is nearly empty this time of morning, but to the left Rey finds Poe and Finn huddled over a table arguing, cups of long-forgotten caf and maps splayed out in front of them.

“What's wrong with calling it the New Republic?” Finn asks through a mouth full of a ration bar.

“It can’t be the NEW Republic if it’s already existed!” Poe shouts, exasperated.

“Well, how about the NEWEST Republic.”

“Don’t be a smart ass. We have to send this out in an hour and we don’t have a damn name.” Poe sits, hands rubbing across his face with a sigh.

“I need to build a lightsaber.”

They turn in unison, noticing Rey for the first time.

“Well hello to you too,” Poe says.

“Hello,” Rey’s lips quirking into a smile before adding, “I need to build a lightsaber.”

“Why do you need to build a lightsaber? You already have two and unless you’re secretly a besalisk, you only have two arms, so…”

“Those are Luke and Leia’s sabers. They are,” she pauses, trying to find the right words. “Weighted. I can feel their history. The Jedi texts talk of crystals _choosing_ their owner, it marks an important moment in becoming a Jedi. I need to do this if I am to continue on this path”

“Ok, so where do you get a crystal?” Finn asks.

“I’ve been dreaming of Ahch-To. I think there may be a crystal there, something deep within the island has been calling to me.” _Someone,_ she thinks to herself. Rey feels guilty hiding her true motivations for this journey, but she hardly knows how she could explain that the voice of Kylo Ren turned Ben Solo was calling to her in her dreams. Her friends know nothing of their bond nor the truth of what transpired on Exegol.

Finn and Poe exchange a look. “Well at least she’s sleeping,” Poe says. “Listen, once a council is established to figure out who’s going to, ya know, _run the galaxy_ , things will settle down. Then, we can go to Ahch-To and get your crystal.”

Rey takes a deep breath, “I’m going tomorrow and I'm going alone.”

In the end, it was a struggle to convince them and Rey could sense Finn’s suspicion acutely. She loves her friends, her found family, but the recent days at the Resistance base have been difficult. The torrent of emotions from so many beings, so amplified in their victory, grating against her nerves, surrounding the force with static. So, as she jumps to light speed in Luke’s resurrected X-wing, she feels a sense of relief and breathes in the peace of space.

**__________________________________________**

The moment Rey breaks atmo, she can sense a difference in the island. She can feel restless, frenetic energy surrounding Ahch-To. Large, angry waves beat against the rocks, a deep fog settled over the higher cliffs. More than that though, for the first time in a week, Rey feels a distant but familiar hum, something tugging at a tether within her mind. _The bond._

As she lands, the humming grows louder.

_He’s here._

Her landing leaves a little something to be desired, but between the wind and the poor visibility, she’s just glad she landed at all. The climb up to the village is arduous, but she is glad for the exercise and stops only to set down her pack before continuing to the highest point of the island.

Rey sits crosslegged in the place Luke had first instructed her and tries to center herself before reaching out. She searches deep into the heart of the island, feeling the ebb and flow of the Living Force all around her as she breathes. And then she finds it, an aberration. A flickering, jolting _something_ , distinct from the energy of the island. She pushes further and finds the frosted mirror she had stood in front of however long ago, begging to see her family.

The darkness calls out to her, giving voice to secret desires.

_We will give you everything,_ it whispers. _Power. Belonging. Passion. Him._

Rey resists, initially pushing back against the darkness, but suddenly the bond is burning. She gasps in pain, it’s scorching, desperate.

_Rey!_

She can hear him shouting from some unseen distance, but she hears it within her head too, vibrating through their bond. 

So she leans in. Into the darkness. Into her longing for this man who somehow made her whole. Into her resentment for the injustices done to each of them as children. Into to the anger she feels at everyone who has ever left her.

And suddenly Rey is plunged into dark, cold water. It pierces through her like thousands of tiny blades as she kicks toward what she hopes is the surface. She pulls herself to the edge, breathing heavily and collapses onto the dank moss-covered earth. After a few moments, she turns her head and sees she is now in front of the mirror. Slowly she stands, wiping the dripping water from her face and wringing it out of her fallen hair.

She takes a deep breath, placing her hand on the opaque mirror. The bond is no longer burning, but it thrums persistently.

_Ben._ She calls out to him, pulling on the tether.

_I’m here._

Like before, she sees a figure approaching. But this time, when the shadow of a hand makes contact with the glass, it reveals, not herself, but Ben, looking down at her with soft eyes. The relief is palpable between them, their bond a high-pitched, gleeful thing.

“Give him to me.” She demands of the mirror. Reckless, desperate energy exploding through her as she focuses it all through her palm against the glass. She screams with the effort, merely a vessel for the Force, it is almost too much to be contained within her body. She is consumed by it, not registering the shudders within the foundation beneath her.

The glass suddenly shatters, pulverized nearly to dust and for a fraction of a second everything stills. Ben stands before her, real and solid and clear. “Rey,” he breathes. And she feels as though she takes her first deep breath in a week, her body is buzzing with its _wholeness._

The moment doesn’t last as the shuddering culminates into a thunderous crack, the cave around them beginning to crumble, debris falling in increasingly more dangerous chunks.

She grabs his hand, pulling. “Swim down!” She shouts just as they jump into the murky pool within the cave.

They emerge through a tunnel on the eastern shore and Ben pulls her out onto the embankment.

“You weren’t behind me,” he says breathing heavily. His hands move to bracket her face as she coughs and sputters up the sea from her lungs.

“Not many opportunities to swim on Jakku,” she responds, smiling between deep breaths.

He chokes out something between a sob and a laugh and brings their foreheads together, eyes squeezing shut. “Please be real, please be real, please be real.”

“I’m here, I’m here” She repeats, her own hands carding through his hair.

They stay like this for several moments, until his breathing slows. Ben leans back slightly as he opens his eyes. An image of the last time they were this close passes through the bond and Rey can’t be sure from whose mind it came.

But the tension is broken by disgruntled shouting from above them. A stout, amphibious creature in a white linen dress stands, waving a large stick at the two of them.

Ben looks at Rey, eyebrows quirked in silent questioning. She looks around, taking note of the small crushed plants beneath them and sighs.

“They are the island’s caretakers and they believe I am the source of all destruction.”

“Oh?”

She waves him off, “Don’t ask.” 

Standing, Rey gets her first real look at Ben. He looks the same as he did on Exegol: cheek bruised, lip cracked, and, inexplicably, wearing the same torn sweater she had brought here in her pack. She turns to walk up the rocky path, a small shake of her head, overwhelmed by the strangeness of it all.

As they reach the small outcropping of stone huts, Ben pauses in front of one, and she wonders if it bothers him that this place is so saturated in Luke's residual energy. He appraises the entrance and seems to decide against going in, instead, turning to join her in collecting dried driftwood and moss.

Their silence is comfortable, but both are glad for something to do with their hands. Rey dumps several portions into a small pot of water watching as it bubbles into the bland, but nutritious protein loaf she is very familiar with. Ben seems less than impressed and she smirks, tearing off a chunk and handing it to him.

“It's really not so bad. We can fish tomorrow.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

They smile shyly at each other and it's so new and sweet and absurd to just, _have a conversation_. Rey relishes in the normalcy of it, hiding her growing smile within a cup of tea. And so they pass into evening with hesitant, sneaking glances, the bond humming contentedly until Rey reaches for the small med-pack from her ship.

She moves to sit closer to Ben, “We really ought to put bacta on that.”

“Do you really need the bacta?” He says turning to face her.

She hesitates, unsure how to do this when no one’s dying. He nods, almost imperceptibly.

_I trust you,_ she feels more than hears through the bond.

Rey raises her hands to either side of his face and closes her eyes. She delves deep within, finding a well of the Force inside herself before turning outward. She allows it to flow from her fingers until she can feel the fibers within him slowly knit themselves back together. Satisfied, she opens her eyes. She can’t quite stop herself from ghosting a finger down the right side of his face, following an invisible line.

“I think I miss it," her eyes glancing up to meet his. "Is that ridiculous?”

“No,” he breathes out and she can feel his lips move against her fingers at the corner of his mouth.

She holds his gaze, her hand slowly falling away, and they both take a deep, centering breath. “Where were you? Before.”

“There was only nothingness. A void. A world between worlds.”

Rey can feel him tense across the bond and slides her hand onto his arm, resting her head against his shoulder- the intimacy of the moment just passed somehow freeing her to make these small touches unthinkingly. 

“Tell me. Please.”

“I had been ready. Ready to move to the next existence so that you may stay in this one. I knew I would not become one with the force as the Jedi do, but I had not expected to be caught in a type of…” He hesitates, “Nonexistence. There was both infinite time and the absence of time. My thoughts were endless and also never began. It was maddening. I have no idea how long I was there.”

“A week,” she adds quietly. 

“A week,” he repeats, sighing. “But then I could hear your voice, calling for me. It seemed to come both from a great distance and also from within my head. It was a gift. An anchor.”

He is silent for a long while. The night is bright and cool above them, glittering on the dark water; a fitting contrast to the warm glow of the fire dancing before them. 

“Why am I still here, Rey?”

He looks down when she doesn’t respond and realizes she has fallen asleep against him. Unsurprising given the energy she expended to find and free him. He slides his arm around her shoulders, turning to lift her beneath her knees and tries not to think of the last time he held her like this. When he wore a mask and had a different name. He walks the short distance to the hut behind them and sets her on the cot inside. He brushes the hair from her face, “Goodnight Cyar’ika.”

Rey wakes momentarily to see him quietly leaving the hut, his hand opening and closing at his side.

**__________________________________________**

Rey leaves her hut the next morning to find no sign of Ben. She feels for the tether and is instead met with a wall. He has shut her out. She pushes harder, finding a small jagged crack within the facade and is suddenly bowled over by a maelstrom of dark emotions; pain and regret and torment. She drops to the ground, gasping and can feel herself being physically shoved out of the bond.The ground is damp against her knees, moisture bleeding through her leggings and she tries to center, to breathe.

Ben is suddenly before her, sitting cross-legged on the grass. He looks terrible and Rey feels sure he didn't sleep at all. The odd stillness around them signals that he is there merely through the bond.

“It is not a wall, but a shield.”

“Tell me where you are.”

She knows where he is. It’s a small island, his force signature practically shouting at her. But she wants him to want her there.

He wordlessly sends her an image of the path he took to the northernmost cliffs.

When Rey finds him, he is sitting in a wide grassy clearing, it’s peppered with small yellow blooms. She kneels in front of him, the stark contrast between the beauty of their surroundings and the agony coming off him in waves would be poetic if it weren’t so damn tragic.

The Force around them surges fiercely as she takes his hands. He looks up at her with sad, pleading eyes. “Why am I still here, Rey? Dying was my only hope of atonement, of absolution. The only worthy conclusion after the things I have done.”

She sighs, "I have been dreaming of this place since I was a child. Alone and withering in the desert, but I would dream of an ocean, a meadow, tiny yellow flowers. I think," she hesitates, "I think this is my destiny. I think you are my destiny.”

She squeezes his hands.

“You are still here because I am still here. Because one cannot exist apart from the other and our purpose has not yet been fulfilled. Luke was the last Jedi, Palpatine the last Sith. I think you and me, we are meant to be something new. Something neither light nor dark. Something… _balanced_.”

“A dyad,” he says quietly and she can feel the relief rush into his mind. It washes over the bond like a flood. “Thank you.”

She brings his hands against her lips in reply, kissing them gently. “Always.”

One of his hands moves to cup the side of her face, thumb stroking against her cheek, “You make everything quiet.”

“Funny, you make me feel _alive_.”

She’s tilting into his palm, smiling with a kind of incandescent happiness that Rey can't imagine has ever existed before this moment.

This time it’s Ben’s turn to surge forward, closing the distance between them. Rey sighs into the kiss, one hand clasped around his wrist, the other fisted into the frayed material of his black sweater.

**__________________________________________**

The first of the Grey Jedi find their kyber crystals within the war-torn ruins of Jedha. A bonded pair erupting from the same vein of kyberite. 

They hum in unison.

**Author's Note:**

> Cyar’ika= beloved or darling in Mando'a


End file.
